Strange ... I used to have what looked and worked a lot like self-discipline -- and maybe it even was. But so much of it was based on brokenness in me. I actually had unhealthy reasons for eating healthy, working out, rarely consuming alchohol, treating people nicely, hard work, and persistence. Most of the unhealthy reasons were about fear, sources of value (for myself and others), and unhealthy inner vows made in childhood.

For the past few years I've been involved in CrossCurrents and Living Waters ministry, and seeing my internal workings that closely for that long has brought about some changes in me. This is great - I don't want to go back to who I was inside - I can't go back - but it has some unexpected and unfortunate side effects. I've been eating less healthy, working out much less (at least until a few weeks ago), drinking 4 nights a week, working hard only in response to obvious requirements (as opposed to constantly seeking work to do), stumbling over myself and doing odd things as I (often) get confused about how, exactly, to treat people right in certain situations, and often allowing my cynicism to meter out my persistence.

In fact the one thing that's gone "right" in this process as far as external behaviors is that I've quit smoking, and I think it's for good ... as long as I don't fall back into it under the influence.

Well OK, there's one other thing I'm happy about -- there were whole groups of people I would ignore before, for the broken reasons listed above, that I now find myself building relationship with. I love them ... and I have lived my life in a kind of poverty without them.

A good friend of mine has started a blog that you simply must go read and subscribe to, if you subscribe to any blogs at all. I won't waste any more of your time here today; get going, get reading. Get it done now.

http://bethhoover.blogspot.com/

- Tom

Speedy brought up a fascinating theology question ... which I couldn't help but chime in on ...

http://www.xanga.com/speed0rama/641129733/does-anyone-have-an-answer.html?nextdate=last

I’m getting my car back in a few days. Don’t know if I mentioned this, but I’ve been without it for about a month now due to an overheating problem. In the past, the overheating problem was caused by a warped block that was allowing pressurized exhaust gasses to be forced into the "water jacket" – the part of the engine where the coolant flows around the cylinders to cool them off. These exhaust gasses, forced into the cooling stream, would then collect and form “air bubbles” that would be pushed through the cooling stream until they hit the thermostat, which would then promptly close, because hot air is not enough to keep an automotive thermostat open (the thermostat is designed to be opened by hot liquid). The closed thermostat would halt the flow of coolant, and so the engine would overheat.

Months ago I blogged about this discovery and the resulting repair (and I thought the water bubbles were stopping the flow of coolant when they reached the water pump, but it turns out I was wrong about that - the flow of coolant stops when they hit the thermostat).

So the block and head needed to be replaced, and it turns out the replacement block was installed in, well, a sloppy manner. A friend of mine, who we will call tech #1, was ill and couldn't do it at the time it was done, so he referred me to a friend of his, who we will call tech #2. Tech #2 had fantastic qualifications -- in fact, he was overqualified for the job but willing to do it as a side job for some extra income.

I don’t fully understand the extent of what was done wrong, but I think it included some overtightened and broken bolts, and an excessive use of silicone in some places, possibly to compensate for some broken bolts. The overall result was that I had oil and coolant leaks and (once again) exhaust gasses being forced into the cooling stream.

So now I’m spending an extra $1500 – for tech #1 to drop the engine again, replace the head gasket and some other gaskets, and replace some broken bolts. The only good news in that is that (1) it may all work well now for a long time, and (2) he replaced a few worn bearings on the gear box while he had it out of the car, saving money by not doing that as a completely separate procedure.

I don’t really have $1500 to spend on that. In fact, I didn’t really have the $5000 I spent for parts and tech #2’s labor originally. I managed to scrape together the cash, but we all know how that goes – scraped together cash is like gravity - it comes from somewhere, and it usually has to go back where it came from.

This is one of those things I have to chew on for a while. Do I call or meet with tech #2? Do I ask him for some money back? Do I just not contact him at all? Do I make an effort to demonstrate forgiveness for the sloppy work with or without talking to him? I think it would be best for me to meet with him and let him know I know about the sloppy work, that is resulting in extra expense for me, but that I am going to forgive that and not hold that against him. But that’s not my inclination. My inclination at the moment is to take the easiest road available - not talk to him again unless I bump into him by accident, and then (if), pretend nothing happened.

Either way, I know for me, and my relationship with tech #2, I need to forgive him – that sloppy engine work - and the disrespect I perceive along with it – needs to be placed on the cross. Maybe that needs to happen first, before the details to guide the rest of my interaction with tech #2 become clear.

Gotta chew on that for a few days. Part of me is just so relieved, at the moment, to have the hope that the engine problems have been identified and fixed.

Did anybody else receive this email, this morning?

"A plan to replace the career politicians...

www.WhatisGOOOH.com "

---

Comments? Who's driving this, and does it have an ulterior motive?

Is anybody out there selling a pickup truck? In particular a mid-size Toyota or a Ford Ranger, in good working condition. Cosmetic condition not real important. Stephanie and I want to buy one for a friend of ours. Please post a comment if you have one or know someone selling one in good working condition.

Where there is pain, fear,
rejection, abuse, sin,
disappointment, emptiness,

when you are misunderstood,
when you are angry,

When it feels hopeless,
when you don't want to hope,

when you don't want to be you,
or feel like you have to fake

being someone you're not,

when you are exhausted,
tempted, or dirty …

… take it to the cross.

For there out of pure passionate
love your perfect savior takes
all these things on himself, and
in him they find their end.

Then, let him resurrect, strengthen,
guide, reveal and share the joy of the
real you with everyone you encounter.

You are a blessing!

He who lives in you is greater than all
that comes against you.

I originally wrote this out a few days ago for four very special people I have been spending a lot of time with lately -- it's a summary of the words he has given me for them so often during our time together - but then I realized I very much needed to receive this again myself, and it so blessed and freed me. So I thought I would share it here in case it is for you, too.

Stephanie and I just got back from a week at the Desert Stream training in Kansas City, MO. At the end of that week we were actually released (!) to coordinate Living Waters (and Stephanie was also released to coordinate The River). This means we can coordinate a Living Waters program at a local church, which in fact was our hope in going.

We're thrilled that we get to do this for The Refinery, a Vineyard church planted by two incredibly wonderful, gifted, talented, and annointed friends of ours, Shae and Jessica Cottar. We’ll be leading a “pilot program” there to prepare the leaders who will then lead Living Waters there.

At the same time it feels like there must be some mistake. It brings to mind the "greats" who paved the way for the Living Waters programs Stephanie and I participated in back in 2000: Jerry Skinner and Reg Brand. Amazing men who, the more I get to know them and the more I hear about them from other places, the more I am in awe at God's work in their life. Add to this the spirit-filled and highly energized and focused people we encountered at the training, and I am feeling very humbled, yet very encouraged to be released by Desert Stream to do this.

This also begs a change in focus. Stephanie and I have reached a new place of intimacy – “in to me see” if you will –  in our relationship together and partly because of that, partly for a number of miscellaneous reasons and experiences over the past 4 years, I have new questions to take to scripture, so I’m going to read through the Bible again. Before I start that I’m reading “Listening Prayer” by Dave and Linda Olson. Listening prayer is a huge part of Living Waters ministry and something I’ve been “practicing” in Living Waters, but it’s also something I’ve never officially “studied” and I’m also hoping it will help me pray through the Bible as I bring my new questions to it.

As part of this change in focus I see us focusing our time and energy into Living Waters ministry and less into most other opportunities that come our way.  

In other words: my “mission to America” for the next 6 months or so has become one of participating with God in helping others receive the healing and freedom he has for them in their hearts and relationships.

Please pray …

… that the leaders-to-be participating in the pilot program will receive and welcome all the healing and training they need to facilitate Living Waters for the rest of their community.  There will be more specific prayer requests here related to this as we go.

… that God will move powerfully in my personal accountability time that I have with my accountability partner each week, drawing us both closer to Him and into places of participating more closely and effectively in His plans. Pray that God will move through my accountability partner(s) with specific words and direction for my life.

… for protection for our marriage! I know the enemy will try to tear us apart, prevent us from working together effectively, and steal the joy of the healing and freedom God has brought about in our personal hearts and in our relationship.

… for a vast and miraculous multiplication of our time and efficiency. We are incredibly blessed to be self-employed, but this can easily be a help or a hinderance. Sometimes, we are blessed with plenty of time to minister to others; other times, the business demands all my time and even cuts into my sleep, keeping me from spending any time with Stephanie and the kids, and forcing me to “rush” through any preparations for ministry. God has been amazingly, incredibly powerful to multiply the effectiveness of my time as needed while I participated in Living Waters leadership in Brazosport, and he absolutely protected the business from serious trouble while Stephanie and I were away and totally unavailable by phone for an entire week, so I’m just asking for more of the same. (While we were gone, that same friend, Shae, did an outstanding job of watching over the business and assisting customers who called. One major technical issue came up during the week, and his handling of it was flawless, yet thankfully, it was a very quiet week overall in terms of serious trouble). God is so good !!!

Edith called me to wish me a happy birthday! All the way from France! She used Skype. Edith, if  you're reading this, you are hi-tech. 

This was way awesome -- no one has ever called me from France before, so I got my first call from France on my birthday, from a good friend to boot. The quality was actually good, I wouldn't have expected a voip service to work so well from overseas - though I know there's ways to do that, I was impressed they actually have. So anyway there I was sitting in Discount Tire getting a call on my cell phone from my friend in France who had just read my blog I posted from the discount tire store 15 minutes before using my Verizon card... it felt like a much smaller world all the sudden ...

Edith, when you go to the moon some day, you need to call me from there, too, K?

I'm sitting here at Discount Tire getting some new tires on my Spyder and the musak is playing all my favorite 80's songs.